Dec. ’12

Sept. ’13

As a thirteen-year veteran of living with a mother, you could say that I’ve become an expert. Here are my top ten tips for handling mothers.

1. Never ever act like you’re stressed, even if that’s how you feel. The mom will stress out and a stressed out mom equals the whole house being stressed out.

2. When your mother says that she has a “surprise,” unless it’s your birthday, that’s a red flag.

3. When your mother asks you to do something you don’t want to do, don’t be obviously disobedient, just look for every possible loophole.

4. When the word “adolescent” comes up, change the topic immediately. If you don’t, you’ll be in for an awkward “talk.”

5. Moms are good at lie-detecting. Practice the fine art of blaming things on your siblings before trying this at home.

6. When your mother tells you to take a shower, turn it on and then go hang out in your room. Don’t forget to turn the water off eventually, or she’ll get suspicious.

7. There’s always some secret your mother doesn’t want her parents to know. Use this knowledge wisely.

8. When your mom tells you to clean your room, don’t just shove everything into your closet. That’s an amateur move. Be more creative. Stashing things in your dresser drawer, your siblings’ bedrooms, or under blankets is less obvious.

9. Before dinner time ask your mother to help you with your homework so she won’t have time to make one of her famous “experiments.” You’ll have a better chance of getting chicken nuggets.

10.  If your mom complains about how badly your clothes smell after soccer practice, act both shocked and hurt that she would be so mean to you. There’s a good chance she’ll feel so bad that she might even buy you some ice cream.